Happy 4th of July. Relatively. Not to complain. Not to mope. Not to...whatever you're thinking. But they do say the holidays are the hardest to deal with after a loss. You might think that the 4th of July isn't a big deal - not like Thanksgiving or Christmas - but in my town, we go all out for the 4th of July, and I had plans...we had plans. And honestly, that's one of the most difficult things for me to deal with - all the plans I had to give up on, all the dreams, and hopes that centered around that one person being alive still.
None of this is meant to belittle or negate the pain that I know many of us are feeling right now. Pain. Anger. Sadness. I know we are all going through something. I also know we're all going through something different. And for some reason, I'm not really able to talk about it, so I write. Part of me hopes that me writing all of this comforts the rest of you. But most of me just needs to get it out.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Doesn't that feel good? Even just in your head?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Yes. That helps doesn't it? That helps me when I see the fireworks and think of his smile. That helps me when I think of his ears and his nose. It helps when I think of his kindness, and his laugh. I yell and I curse and it helps. Not much helps but that seems to.
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